Supernatural Mario Odyssey
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: So this weird glitch happened the other night... I'm giving you all a warning about this game


It all started when I first loaded my early copy of Super Mario Odyssey into my Nintendo Switch. At first the game played normal and it was a pretty slick game at that. I loved everything about it from the "cap"-turing gimmick to the hardcore parkour. It appeared to me that this bundle of fun was gonna be my GOTY and the GOTY for many other video game enthusiasts.

Unfortunately, this is where happiness ends and the true nightmare begins.

The date was October 18, 2017. It was around midnight and I was asleep. I awoke to the sound of what can only be described as the clattering of kitchenware. I sat up groggily to examine my surroundings. I was surprised to see that my Switch dock had toppled over. I figured maybe my pet cat Sonic had run into the room and accidentally caused the whole ruckus. Big surprise there; he was named after a character who despised Nintendo.

I got out of bed and picked up my Switch, I noticed that the game card for Odyssey was protruding from the console. I thumbed it back in, but the card refused to click into place. I was mad now; Sonic may have just destroyed an integral part of my Switch. I turned on the light and tried examining the thing to see if there was something I was missing. I tried plugging in the card several more times. I really had to force the card in before it finally snapped into place.

Still worried about the damage the console had received from my dumb cat, I decided to test it by turning it on. The good news was that everything checked out. The screen displayed the menu and Odyssey was right there ready to be resumed at any time.

However, this is when I noticed something peculiar about my system. Below the icon for Odyssey, there was a little Mario sprite that said "Why Continue?" in a pixelated quote bubble. I yelled at him that that was a stupid question. I would surely show him I was no amateur when it came to platformers. I booted up Odyssey and got ready to collect a few more pieces of junk before I got tired again.

The game took a long time to load and I felt like the game really was broken. The screen remained black, but I heard Mario go "Wahoo!" through the speakers. I decided to switch to my TV screen to see if the visuals were intact. Sure enough, my TV displayed everything perfectly, save one mere flaw. Mario's hat did not have Cappy's eyes on it. Instead, Mario was standing there with a Cap with what looked to be Bowser's eyes and eyebrows. Mario also looked like he was shivering, but he wasn't in an ice land, but instead a grassy plains.

I controlled Mario until he got to a Piranha Plant that was terrorizing a garden. I yelled at the Piranha Plant for its bad behaviour and pulled out my baseball cap. I wore it backwards Ash Ketchum style to show off my wicked steez. Mario ran up to the Piranha Plant and bashed it with a stomp. It took three hits and a pattern to memorize, but I eventually won the day. This is when some really messed-up visuals started making their way into the game. Mario jumped on top of the defeated plant and started beating it senseless with his Bowser Cappy.

"Hah! Yo mama so fat!" laughed Mario and I could not believe my ears. Mario continued wailing on the bulbous bulb until it was crying. Some Goombas and Koopas ran up to Mario and scolded him, telling Mario that his violence was pointless and unethical.

"Stop it! He's already dead!" cried a smaller Goomba. Mario turned his head 180 degrees and spotted the little one. He made a creepy face and had a photorealistic nose. He jumped up into the air and landed on top of the Goomba. He started biting its head and with each chomp, Mario's pecs and abs grew more and more massive. Mario ripped off his shirt and bared his exquisite physique.

"Wow," I said to myself, half terrified by the violence and half mystified by the pecky/abby goodness. I was shocked to see that this was not my doing, but actually a cutscene that Shigeru Miyamoto himself put into the game. I wanted to cry and then call up Bill Trinen and tell him to fire Miyamoto for such callous actions towards Goombas.

I reached for my cell phone (luckily, I had Bill on speed-dial). But before I could call up anyone, my phone rang and I answered a mysterious number: 1-800-000-000-000-000-000-000-000-000-000-000-000-000-000-ODY-SSEY. "Hello?" I said.

"You need to keep playing or else…" said a man with a thick Italian accent. I looked up and saw that my screen displayed Mario in a phone booth in New Donk City. Then a second later, the phone booth windows were smeared with an explosion of blood. Mario stepped out, holding a Totino's Stuffed Nacho tightly in his pointy teeth.

"Oh my gosh… You killed the Totino's Stuffed Nacho, Mario!" I wept bitter tears for the delicious snack. "Why would you do such a thing?"

Mario laughed and pulled out a sword made of pure lightning and pasta. He walked up to the screen and grinned in a ghastly manner. "Because you were next on the list, Kendrick Lamar…"

I gasped. "How did you know my real name?"

"I know everything." Mario then reached an arm that came through the screen and pulled me into New Donk City. He then cut off all of my beautiful hair with his sword and then kicked me out again. The cords behind my television came to life as Mario swung his sword. The cables went in between my toes and tied them up. "You will never walk again."

"NOOOOOO!" I cried. I quickly punched my Switch and it burst into a billion tiny pieces. The TV shut off and my toes were released. I was safe. I shook my head and ran to bed.

When I woke up the next morning, I saw my Switch back in the dock, completely unscathed, good as new. So was it all just a dream like Subcon in Mario 2? I don't know, but I'm never touching my Switch again just to be sure. It's a shame too because Super Mario Odyssey was going to be my GOTY. Now I suppose I'll have to give that credit to Metroid on 3DS.

If anyone can explain this weird phenomenon to me, I'd greatly appreciate it. I'd like to know if it was actually coded into the game, a glitch, or… something else… something… supernatural…


End file.
